Andrea:
We’ll give you a little bit of a background story. One of the key things that prompted us to do this, we wanted to do our bit to help support relationships. We’ve done this work-from-home thing twice. I’ll tell you about that in a minute. So we know what it can be like. We wanted to do something, but we came across a friend at a cafe a couple of weeks ago. We normally work from home. We figured lockdown was coming and we decided to work out of the home, figuring there’d be a time when we didn’t have a choice anymore.
Jon:
Last opportunity. Freedom.
Andrea:
Yeah. And as we sat working in the cafe, we bumped into a friend, this was about 11:00, and he said he was just coming back from the school run. We know the school run finished at 9:00. And it turned out that he was actually avoiding going home… those were his words, because-
Jon:
I was going to say we thought he was out shopping for toilet paper, but it turned out that wasn’t the case.
Andrea:
Yeah. So we saw him, bumped into him first at 11:00. He said, “To be honest, I just need some headspace. The work from home thing has been my gig for years. My wife was just started working from home because of COVID-19. She thinks it’s still a novelty and a great opportunity to chat and to do lunch together.” It was just stressing him out. He couldn’t get any work done. I went to the loo at about 2:00 and he was still there. So we realized that this is a real story that will be resonating with lots of people through this experience, and we just wanted to share some of the things from our own experience…
Andrea:
The first time we did work-from-home was a baptism by fire actually, because we were professionals working in the city. We decided to pursue this entrepreneurial dream of starting our own business and it involved working from home. So it was this huge transition from great incomes, professionals, kind of equal level working in the city, to work in from home, sharing space, discovering differences in each other that we didn’t even know existed. When you’re working from home with finances being a concern, like it will be for a lot of people through the season, everything just becomes more intense. Didn’t it?
Jon:
Yeah.
Andrea:
It was a little bit grating against each… well, a lot grating. We discovered it was like putting a magnifying glass on the little irritants that we could smile about before, that might even have seemed cute before, suddenly became really frustrating. And what we discovered was it was our differences, our strengths, which were so complementary, but until we understood it, they grated against each other, and it-
Jon:
Absolutely.
Andrea:
It was that learning, wasn’t it, that got us into doing everything that we do now with equipping people to do relationships well.
Jon:
I just gonna jump in there for a second, because I thought Andrea was a mini me, right? I had the perfect model. It was all good. As long as everybody else can line up and be like me, then everything was going to be good. I realized that actually, no, she was her own person, had some differences. She did things that completely different to the way I would do some things, and so we had to learn. Now, that initially caused a fair bit of friction, but we had to learn to get over that.
Andrea:
In the next session, we’re going to talk about up close with different personalities, and one of the things we’ll mention is we both have this lion-type personality. So we both think that we’re right. We both think that our way is the right way, so some of the “challenges” and “conversations” that we had in the beginning was around who was right. And we realized, well, actually we both are. We just needed to understand our perspectives and find a way that worked for both of us and discover respect and apologize often and forgiveness and all that good stuff. But we’ll get into that.
Andrea:
What we want to talk about today is very much around managing the emotional bank account because being able to maintain the level of warmth and create that buffer space in relationships is what will help keep you sane over the next few weeks and months. We don’t know how long this is going to last. So, becoming intentional, we’re sharing this as a concept for all the other things that we’ll be discussing, a framework to understand how you intentionally manage the level of emotions. As we go along, feel free to type in questions on either the YouTube or on the website chat. I’ll be managing that. Jon’s going to take us through the emotional bank account and then I’ll come back on in a bit.
Jon:
Yeah. Just quickly on the emotional bank account, it is a fabulous concept. It’s actually something, I think it was Stephen Covey about it in the 7 Habits book way, way back but doesn’t seem to receive a whole lot of…
Andrea:
It goes before that…
Jon:
It does go before that but he spoke about it a bit.
Andrea:
Remember this guy, Ivan-
Jon:
Boszormenyi-Nagy
Andrea:
Boszormenyi-Nagy
Jon:
He’s the original founder of it.
Andrea:
Yeah, in the 1960s.
Jon:
But it doesn’t seem to receive as much publicity as we think it’s due. I mean, it’s a fabulous concept. It’s very, very simple. Some of you will have come across it before. But essentially, all it is is a mental record of every interaction we keep with the people around us. So the moment you meet somebody, you set up an emotional bank account with them, and that emotional bank account lives and continues to track every interaction between you and them. If it’s positive, it scores as a deposit, cha-ching. Every positive interaction’s another deposit. If it’s negative, it’s a withdrawal out of the account… [sucking sound]… It takes something out of the account and it feels like, ooh, what happened there?
Jon:
At any one point in time, you can stop and look at the emotional bank account. Well, you can’t really look at it; it’s a conceptual thing. But if you were to take a balance from it, it would be a representation of the feeling of the relationship. So whether emotional bank is positive, has a positive balance, the relationship feels good… maybe it even feels great. Life feels good. There’s a lot, you can cut people more slack. Everything just feels good when your emotional bank account is in positive territory.
Jon:
When your emotional bank account drains to zero or into overdraft, into negative territory, everything can become a problem. Life is bad, feels terrible sometimes. This is where people feel tense, lots of arguments. They lose their temper very quickly. It’s just not a great place to be there. There’s no cutting slack in that. People look for opportunities to say no when their emotional bank account is closed or is drained.
Jon:
What’s really interesting is you can have the identical conversation with the same person. When the emotional bank account is full, then it’s okay. It lands well and you carry on. Same conversation, same person at a time when the emotional bank account is drained and you get a completely different response. You might even get a sharp response. And you’re like, “What happened there? We’ve had this conversation before. I didn’t get that response.” You need to know that the cushion that you had has been used up. You’re now in negative territory. That’s what can happen with emotional bank accounts.
Jon:
Now, it’s a …once you understand what’s going on in the relationship, what you want to be doing is actually… Well, once you understand your emotional bank accounts, you want to be doing whatever you can to keep that balance in positive territory. So you need to minimize some of the withdrawals that you’re making unintentionally, because nobody goes into a relationship to have a miserable time. Nobody signed up for a life of angst. But there are things that we’re doing that land badly from time to time, and it’s really important to recognize that.
Jon:
The emotional bank account has got nothing to do with your intentions. I could have the best will in the world, but whatever I’ve said or done, if it lands badly, it’s a withdrawal. If it lands well, it’s a deposit. It’s all about the other person’s perception of what you’ve done and it’s got nothing to do with your intentions.
Andrea:
And you can sense it in the moment.
Jon:
Yeah.
Andrea:
Can’t you? You can sense it, just with people’s body language, or maybe they might have a remark that makes you know that landed badly. And if that’s not what you intended, that’s the moment to just jump in and apologize and say, “Hang on, it didn’t come across the right way, or I don’t know if you understood what I was saying,” and ask for forgiveness right then and there is the moment to deal with it before things spiral downwards.
Jon:
I was just going to say, the game in town is for a healthy relationship, or at least to have your best chance of a healthy relationship, you want to minimize some of those withdrawals that you’re making unintentionally, yes, but making nonetheless. Minimize some of those, and then on purpose, load up the account with deposits. These are things that the other person, their perception of them is a positive. If you can do more of that, so you’re minimizing the withdrawals and maximizing deposits, you’ve got your best chance of keeping that emotional bank account in positive territory. That’s what you want to be doing to have a healthy relationship. Understand the emotional bank account and then manage it carefully, minimize withdrawals and maximize deposits. Keep it in positive territory for your best chance.
Andrea:
Feel free to put questions through. But one of the things that people might be interested in asking is how do you know what is a deposit or what’s a withdrawal for somebody?
Jon:
[Coughing] Pardon me. I don’t think I have coronavirus. I don’t think so. I think literally I’m just tired. What was the question again?
Andrea:
How do you know what’s a deposit and a withdrawal is?
Jon:
You will see generally by the way they respond. When it lands badly, you know. You know when you’ve done something to somebody.
Andrea:
And sometimes it’s the things they complain about, isn’t it? Somebody might say-
Jon:
In general. Yeah.
Andrea:
“You never say thank you. You never tell me I look great.” You know that doing the opposite, would be a way of making a deposit. So the opposite of complaints will give you a good hint of what you could do to put deposits in the emotional bank account, and things that other people might choose to do for you might be another hint in what they might like being done for them.
Jon:
That’s a deposit. Yeah.
Andrea:
But the important thing is as you’re up close and personal and knowing that chances are you going to be grating against each other, notice when those things happen and just become more intentional about trying to keep the level of warmth. It works for your partner. It works for your children. It works between children. It works for your team members. Just become more alert to what’s happening in the emotions of the relationship. That will be a good clue as to whether or not things are landing well or landing badly, or we’re going to have… I mean, the opportunity for misunderstanding and frustration is through the roof, so we need to become more and more intentional about keeping the relationship healthy and warm.
Jon:
Yeah. Well, one of the questions we have here is what does a very negative emotional bank account look like? And can you come back from emotional bankruptcy?
Andrea:
Wow.
Jon:
Not easy, not easy. I mean, when the emotional bank account-
Andrea:
But yes.
Jon:
Absolutely. I’m getting to that. Absolutely possible, but it’s not an easy thing to do. The other person has to really focus on making deposits, lots and lots of… stop doing what they’re doing, the negatives, the withdrawals, and actually make lots and lots of deposits into the account. It’s not an easy one, but it’s absolutely possible. Yes.
Andrea:
And one of the things that we’ll talk a little bit more about on Tuesday… yeah, today’s Thursday, on Tuesday is understanding the different personality styles and work styles because sometimes it’s seeing people do things completely differently to how you would’ve done it. Even if it’s loading the dishwasher, that can become an argument in itself. One of the things we’re going to be talking about is how to just cut each other some slack, choose your battles, realize that there are many ways to skin a cat. That’s not a good…
Jon:
No.
Andrea:
Our son, who is going to be a vet. We’re so alert now to all these metaphors that don’t work for him. But there’re lots of different ways to do stuff, and sometimes we can major on the minors. This is not a time to be doing that. Cut each other some slack and just try to maintain warmth and harmony in the home. Apologize quickly, forgive often and keep the peace as much as possible.
Jon:
Yeah. I think we’ve got about another minute and a half. So any other questions coming in? Anybody else want to make any comments out there? Feel free to let us have them. Andrea, you want to say what the next session is?
Andrea:
Type away, type away. The next session is going to be on up close and personal with different personalities and how that can be experienced at home, either between yourself and your partner, between you and the children, or you and team members as well. If you have any questions that you think about after the call, feel free to email us at is, [email protected]., and it works whether you use the number 4 or you spell out F-O-U-R.
Jon:
Go with the number 4 if you can.
Andrea:
Yeah, go with the number 4. That’s easier. So [email protected], and we’ll answer the questions on the next call. There’s a lineup of different sessions. Think there are nine sessions in total. We’ve just done, this is number one. And we’ll just be giving little snippets over the next few weeks to touch base, to stay connected, to support each other through, well, all the challenges of COVID-19 and to keep us all strong together. It’s been amazing already. It’s short and sweet, fast, and furious. Great-
Jon:
So spread the word, put it out there. See who else you can get to come along with you and join us again next, what is it Tuesday?
Andrea:
Yes. So it’s next Tuesday, the whatever the date is.
Jon:
We have to look that up now.
Andrea:
So that one’s going to be at 11:00. We’re doing 11:00 on Tuesdays and 3:00 on Thursdays every Tuesday and Thursdays through April.
Jon:
I think it’s the 7th, isn’t it?
Andrea:
Yeah. You need to register. Again, it’s a new link each time, so make sure you’re signed up for that one. Tell your friends. Let’s do this together. Build strong relationships and come out even better than we went in.
Jon:
Absolutely.
Andrea:
All right.
Jon:
See you then.
Andrea:
Have a great day.
Jon:
Alrighty. Bye-bye now.
Andrea:
Bye.